Divorce

Wow! You really took an honest look at yourself. I often wonder if my x-wife has done the same. Probably not. Kudos to you. It takes a big person to admit his/her part in a break up. Glad you have a happy marriage now. :thumbsup:


First time I read a woman writing a honest assessment. This should be required reading to all girls in high school Home Make class.

It took me a good bit of time to be able to do that. In fact, I ended up seeing a therapist for a bit too. It was only after I went to see the therapist, things became a lot more clear. He told me that I had to first examine my behavior, before I could examine his (my Ex). Once I did that, honestly, I drew some pretty sobering conclusions. :( I had really acted poorly. In fact, I was treating this man not as an "adult", but more of a child. That, in fact, I was treating him very poorly. It was only then, that I could move on. In fact, a former girlfriend of mine and I had a falling-out about this. She always blames men for everything (as I did too in the past, and think probably most women do even if secretly). I couldn't take the negativity any further. I woke up one morning, quite literally, and it was like this weight was lifted, and I realized what I was doing, and how it was affecting my relationships. I think if this wouldn't have occurred, I think I would have went from one failed relationship to another.

Something my therapist said, which I have come to embrace: Much of the reason for rocky relationships in our society is the differences in socialization between males and female. Boys are generally held to much stricter standards, whereas girls are placed on pedestals and called "princess" when they deserved a spanking.

Natasha,
From other posts I've read from you you seem like a reasonable person. Our truly admire what you wrote here. As I'm sure there are many divorced people here (everywhere else for that matter) and people on #2 and in some cases #3 marriages, few can even remotely objectively look back and see their own faults (even with 20-20 hindsight).
More so many have character flaws ( both men and women ) and in many cases mental health issues (undiagnosed aside from their exes saying they're crazy).
It is an interesting world and people are quirky. There are also relationships that would work fine in a vacuum, that is to say if family (parents, children) friends didn't figure into the mix they'd be great.
Unfortunately, none of us live in a vacuum. When the infatuation wears off you really have to like the other person and they really have to like you. Selfish, impatient , insensitive (when it comes to others), people, will never find happiness and won't let their partners find it.
(Holy crap, did I write all that?!)
This is like a form of group therapy :idea:

I do try to be not only reasonable, but thoughtful as well. :) Thank you for the nice compliment. It is unfortunate that human nature contains selfishness, impatient behaviors, and especially insensitivity. I believe that most people try to avoid these traits, but they are difficult to even detect at times. I so agree that many times "infatuation" is mistaken for love.
 
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Sorry for the long response, but I hope this made some sense... :)

You need to talk to my wife... ;)

I might have left long ago if I wasn't as passive as I am. As Sleep mentioned, I'm holding on to who she was, not who she has become.

I do feel for her though, she has had fibromyalgia for about 6-8 years now where the last four have been pretty rough. Now her knees are bad to where at least one needs to be replaced so I understand her bitterness at times, but it still wears on me.
 
You need to talk to my wife... ;) I might have left long ago if I wasn't as passive as I am. As Sleep mentioned, I'm holding on to who she was, not who she has become.
I do feel for her though, she has had fibromyalgia for about 6-8 years now where the last four have been pretty rough. Now her knees are bad to where at least one needs to be replaced so I understand her bitterness at times, but it still wears on me.

I am sorry this has happened to your wife, and I wish her the very best, and a speedy recovery. I hope she isn't channeling her anger and bitterness exclusively on to you, as you least deserve it. I so understand what you mean by "holding on". I too have done that as well. It is a good thing that we can actually do that as it means that we have hope. "Hope", I believe, is important, as without it, everything is lost. All I can do, is with the both of you all the best in the world, and love and kindness. :) As far as talking to your wife.

___________________________________________________________

JP.... thank you :)
 
I got divorced after 13 years. The best advice I can offer is get a damn good lawyer and go to counselling. If you have life insurance and you are the owner of the policy, get her name off it. One of you should leave the residence and after she leaves, get the locks changed.

It will be rough for a bit but you are better off without her. There are literally hundreds of women who would love to be with you and some of them are going to be 20 years younger and better looking. Keep that in mind.

It is times like this you learn who your friends are. Prepare for some surprises.
 
I was 21 when I married my college sweetheart. We were both young and foolish and thought we knew it all. After a nasty divorce(agree that anyone going through this should get a very good lawyer, preferably a woman), I took a while, but eventually moved on. When my second relationship ended after 5 years, I was able to look at that 1st marriage with a completely different perspective. We really weren't a good match for each other, and I was very unhappy in the marriage. I think subconsciously, I made sure it would end, but she was the one who ended it.

I've learned a lot since then. It takes two to tango. I believe we were both to blame, and get along decently with her now. I'm even in a partnership with her husband. I do remember thinking near the end, of Paradise by a Moonlit Dashboard, where I was praying til the end of time so I could end my time with her. That did happen, and I am much older and hopefully wiser. Now I am in my second marriage, as is my new wife, and we come from the same world. We are both quite tolerant, with perhaps me being less so with my OCD. But I'm learning... I think you are always learning, if you use your eyes and heart.

Good luck to anyone going through this. It is one of the toughest things to experience in life. But time heals, if you let it, and we move on. Life is cyclical, with ups and downs, just like a Roller Coaster ride! Eventually, you start moving up again, but just be aware there will be other downs, and try to get through them as best as you can. We all make mistakes, and most of them can be solved if the desire and willingness is there.
 
Sleep, I've kept up with this thread off and on and am very happy you're doing well but.....I want to know about the dog.
Last I heard, the dog needed an operation but I must have missed what happened after that.
How is the dog doing??
 
Hey dosmalo - the dog blew out the ligament in his back leg the week before she moved out (offered to pay half but she said no after flip-flopping). Almost exactly a year later she texted to say he blew out his other leg. This meant about $7000 in surgery in one year! We don't talk, but she did let me know he was doing well a couple of weeks after the second surgery. She ran into my mother back in January and told her he is well but has a limp now. The vets had said he's more likely to develop arthritis as a result of this.

It's frustrating because my job was letting him out in the morning, playing with him in the yard in the evening and letting him out at night. Her responsibility was walking him after work (she had an office job, I'm on my feet all day in workboots). About 6 months before we split she started going to a "bootcamp" style gym after work (no doubt because she was preparing to leave me, getting her self ready, tooth whitener and all). This meant way less walks, which sucked for him because he loved seeing people around town and getting the extra attention. I walked him a bit, but couldn't do it every day, I was tired and my feet were already done in. I got him to run around in the yard chasing balls and stuff as before, but then we had a horrible ice storm that left ice on everything for a long time, so he couldn't really run around as much without slipping. When that all melted away he started running around the yard like a freak and a quick pivot blew his ligament. I couldn't help but think his leg was weakened by not getting enough exercise for a couple of months.

I miss him and the cats, but that has faded a bit too. When we first split just seeing a golden retriever with that goofy look they have would make it hard not to choke up a bit. I wish I could have seen him now and then, but she would have held that over me, and I didn't want to keep part of me stuck in my old life. Most importantly I don't want to see her....I mean part of me would love to, but I can't do it.

Crappy part is I have thousands and thousands of pictures on my computer, and I don't want to look at them because it's 90% pictures of my ex, my dog and other pets who passed away :(
 
memories.jpg
Crappy part is I have thousands and thousands of pictures on my computer, and I don't want to look at them because it's 90% pictures of my ex, my dog and other pets who passed away :(

:hug: I am so sorry!!! :( I still miss my mother's Pitbull. OMG, she was huge.. like a hundred pounds or more, but sweet as can be. If she were alive today, she would be a year older than me. I was fortunate that she was in my life and lived to be a ripe old 16. Sweetie, make sure you back those pictures up off of your computer, because if something were to happen, they would be lost forever. That would be an even greater disaster. :( I have so many beloved pets who have passed, but they all live on in my heart, and at times, still do put a smile on my face. I keep them there, together with beloved family members too, that are no longer with us. :hug:
 
Sleep, thank you for the update on the dog.
I have 2 females "pups" of my own that have me wrapped around their paws and I'm with them 24-7 so when I would stop in to visit your thread I'd think about yours.
Understanding that getting deep into another relationship with the opposite sex is on your back-burner, think about adopting your very own. I'm sure you know that they can help put us on the right path to happiness.:hug:
Seriously.
(Edite: See? Check out Natasha's post above...)
 
Anyone here meet their twin soul? I thought this would be a good place to put this link instead of starting a new thread about it. The twin soul/twin flame phenomenon seems to be almost taboo or supressed to me even though the term soulmate is often thrown around a lot. There's a lot a people discussing it and there's been a lot written about it. Its often a traumatic experience.
http://www.spiritualforums.com/vb/showthread.php?t=110195
 
It took only three years post-divorce for me to meet my wife. I'm in an entirely different universe now, and that's a very good thing. I'm a far, far better person now than I was then, much of which has been due to trial by fire. Yeah, some of it has been ugly and traumatic. But we have made it into middle age together and plan to keep working at it.
I married my first wife at 22, when I knew absolutely nothing, if not less. When I was released from that after 15 years, I got the opportunity to find out who I am on my own. There was lots of flailing about and extended periods of depression, but really it's been a compressed growth experience.
Life is not always smooth and not always pretty and not always comfortable, and that's life.
 
Yep.....

Shite happens !

One minute your holding on to the person that promises that they would love and care for you until their last dying breah just to find out it was their first lying breath. Just to be tossed aside for something more preferential.... Some women will say that most men don't change after high school. Most men say that women change into something that they weren't when they married them.....which I agree with. Women become goal oriented and get lost within themselves....some doctors call it a change of life. The only thing you can do is kill them with kindness and hope they change again !

Women are fickled....
 
Sleep, don't look back, there is always someone else waiting just around the corner.

Been there, married 17 years the first go around, like you I was devasted. But in no time at all I met someone from work, we've now been together ten years and I couldn't be happier. She is so much more supportive of the things that interest me than my first wife.

Really, your about to be single, run with it.

Did I not tell you to tell our story online???

.....just some levity...
 
Yep.....

Shite happens !

One minute your holding on to the person that promises that they would love and care for you until their last dying breah just to find out it was their first lying breath. Just to be tossed aside for something more preferential.... Some women will say that most men don't change after high school. Most men say that women change into something that they weren't when they married them.....which I agree with. Women become goal oriented and get lost within themselves....some doctors call it a change of life. The only thing you can do is kill them with kindness and hope they change again !

Women are fickled....

Not just women.
I think the marriage is only a goal or an ideal. Marriage is only for the duration that works. 80% of the time any two random man and woman can probably make a go at it for awhile. Long enough to make a home and have children. If we can live to a thousand years, how many people we will get to love, hate, and a have relationship with? Average one every 20 years would be my guess.
 
But try telling that to your teenagers...:confused:

Well, yeah. Try telling them anything. What is the Mark Twain quote?

"When I was 18, I knew everything, and my father was a fool. It is amazing what he learned in only 3 years."


And to djcoolray, I once heard it said that a man marries a woman, and expects her to always stay the same. A woman marries a man and expects him to change. In both cases, they're expecting something nearly impossible.
 
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