Joke of the Day

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We've been married for 37 years. My wife still introduces me at parties as her "first husband".
=8(

:sigh:
 
We've been married for 37 years. My wife still introduces me at parties as her "first husband".
=8(

:sigh:

I Can't get no respect... no respect at all...

Dangerfield.jpg
 
How to tell the sex of a fly!

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband
stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh. Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone." :D

Rome
 
.....QUESTION:....what do you do with an elephant that has three balls?.....

.....ANSWER:....walk him and pitch to the monkey.....
 
.....new use for Windex.....

.....I haven't checked "snopes.com" to see if this actually works or not, but they say, if you ever get the sudden urge to run around naked, you should drink some Windex first....there's a claim it's supposed to keep you from streaking.....


.....(boo, hiss, tomatoes).....
 
Two elderly men were talking. 'So, how's your sex life?'
'Oh, nothing special. I'm having Pension sex.'
'Pension sex?'
'Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!'
 
CONFOUNDED SEX

A man was in a terrible accident, and his 'manhood' was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for 'small, $6,500 for 'medium, and $14,000 for 'large.'

The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

'Well, what have the two of you decided?' asked the doctor.

'She said that she'd rather remodel the kitchen.'
 
New England Temperature Conversion Chart

60° F:
Southern Californians shiver uncontrollably.
People in New England sunbathe.

50° F:
New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
People in New England plant gardens.

40° F:
Italian & English cars won't start.
People in New England drive with the windows down.

32° F:
Distilled water freezes.
Maine's Moose Head Lake's water gets thicker.

20° F:
Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats.
People in New England throw on a flannel shirt.

15° F:
New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
People in New England have the last cookout before it gets cold.

0° F:
All the people in Miami die.
New Englanders close the windows.

10° below zero:
Californians fly away to Mexico.
The Girl Scouts in New England are selling cookies door to door.

25° below zero:
Hollywood disintegrates.
People in New England get out their winter coats.

40° below zero:
Washington DC runs out of hot air.
People in New England let the dogs sleep indoors.

100° below zero:
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
New Englanders get frustrated because they can't start their "kahs."

460° below zero:
All atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale).
People in New England start saying, "cold 'nuff for ya?"!

500° below zero:
Hell freezes over.
The Red Sox win the World Series!
 
Kids

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She
was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"



2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not
necessarily those of his parents."


3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's

hitting the bottle."



4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker
room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies
grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement
and then asked, "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"


5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my
uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued
writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the
police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she
said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"



6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me "Is that a dog you got back
there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me
and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"



7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins,

I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered,
"The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

8) DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her
dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."
"And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the
next morning. "

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin.
Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of
the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers
and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his
father always said: "Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and
into the hole he goooes."


10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just
wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't
write and they won't let me talk!"



11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered
through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He
picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that
had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy
called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the
young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear."
 
A Thanksgiving Story

ONCE UPON A TIME............
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly open the door to the freezer, the parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
 
THE BANK ROBBERY

A man charges into a bank wearing a face mask and wielding a handgun.

He shouts "this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!" and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his face mask. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts. "Did anybody else here see my face?"

The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.

"Did anybody else see my face?" he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner, "I think my wife caught a glimpse...."
 
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