Joke time
- Thread starter opt80
- Start date
steamshooter
Active Member
A Licensed Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Brad
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving."
Brad
Johnny
Senior Slacker
Whats the only thing worse then a male chauvinist pig ??
A women who never does what shes told.
A kindergarten teacher gives her class an assignment to draw a picture of someone they admire.
"What a great picture" she says to one little boy. "Who is it?"
"Thats my dad" he says proudly.
"tell me more about your father" the teacher says. "whats he like ?"
The kid shrugs. " beer and pussy."
:
What goes clip-clop clip-clop , BANG, clip-clop clip-clop ?
An Amish drive by.
J
A women who never does what shes told.
A kindergarten teacher gives her class an assignment to draw a picture of someone they admire.
"What a great picture" she says to one little boy. "Who is it?"
"Thats my dad" he says proudly.
"tell me more about your father" the teacher says. "whats he like ?"
The kid shrugs. " beer and pussy."
: What goes clip-clop clip-clop , BANG, clip-clop clip-clop ?
An Amish drive by.
J
djronc
Active Member
Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on
how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found
him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: so what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
and
died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer- we'd both still be alive.
how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to
get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found
him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: so what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I
started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and
searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack
and
died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer- we'd both still be alive.
Lefty
Super Member
"Why its great to be a guy..."
- Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
- You can leave the motel bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
- Same work, more pay.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
- You don't mooch off other's desserts.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Lefty
- Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
- You know stuff about tanks.
- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
- You can open all your own jars.
- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
- You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
- You can leave the motel bed unmade.
- You can kill your own food.
- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
- Wedding plans take care of themselves.
- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
- If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
- Everything on your face stays its original color.
- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
- Car mechanics tell you the truth.
- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."
- Same work, more pay.
- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
- Wedding dress - $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks.
- You don't mooch off other's desserts.
- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"
- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
- You almost never have strap problems in public.
- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
- You don't have to shave below your neck.
- At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
- Your belly usually hides your big hips.
- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Lefty
A father goes hunting,kills a deer,and they have it for supper.
Little Johnny and Susie are enjoying the feast,Daddy says do you know what we are eating kids,no they yell in unison.I'll give you a hint ,it is a name Mommy gives calls daddy.
Quick Susie yells Johnny its a$$hole!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. That's not funny!!
Little Johnny and Susie are enjoying the feast,Daddy says do you know what we are eating kids,no they yell in unison.I'll give you a hint ,it is a name Mommy gives calls daddy.
Quick Susie yells Johnny its a$$hole!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. That's not funny!!
A truckload of thesaurus(es) tipped over on the highway,it was amazing,astounding, awe-inspiring,awful.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a duck walks into a pharmacy,asks for some chapstick,the pharmacist says" cash " the duck says"no,put it on my bill"
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a mouse was seen running around the church,they eventually caught it by the organ.
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A man goes into a bar with his talking dog,Spike, the man orders a beer,the dog asks for a rum and coke.The bartender is amazed and asks the man if Spike will go to the bar across the street and order a drink from the bartender.he gives Spike $5. to pay for his drink..They wait but Spike doesn't return,they go out side and in the alley Spike is having sex with a hooker-dog.Spike the owner yells you have never done anything like this before,Spike replies
I've never had money before!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a duck walks into a pharmacy,asks for some chapstick,the pharmacist says" cash " the duck says"no,put it on my bill"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
a mouse was seen running around the church,they eventually caught it by the organ.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man goes into a bar with his talking dog,Spike, the man orders a beer,the dog asks for a rum and coke.The bartender is amazed and asks the man if Spike will go to the bar across the street and order a drink from the bartender.he gives Spike $5. to pay for his drink..They wait but Spike doesn't return,they go out side and in the alley Spike is having sex with a hooker-dog.Spike the owner yells you have never done anything like this before,Spike replies
I've never had money before!
Sandy G
Retired Member
Old man & old woman, 98 & 95 years old, laying in bed. All at once, the old woman gets an Urge she hasn't felt in ages. She totters to the bathroom, takes off her nightgown, puts on her bathrobe, & with all her strength, climbs up on the end of the bed, flings her robe open, & hollers "SUPER PUSSY !!!" Old man looks up at her, & says, "I b'lieve I'll have soup..." -Sandy G.
ProAc_Fan
Addicted Member
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
> Juan on Juan.
> What is a Yankee?
> The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>
> What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
> The position of the dirt bag.
>
> Why is divorce so expensive?
> Because it's worth it.
>
> What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
> One US leader.
>
> What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
> Doughnuts.
>
> Why is air a lot like sex?
> Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
>
> Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
> Because Janet Reno is her real father.
>
> What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
> 100 people who don't do dick.
>
>
> SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
>
> What do you call a smart blonde?
> A golden retriever.
>
> What do attorneys use for birth control?
> Their personalities.
>
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
> 45 lbs.
>
> What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
> 45 minutes.
>
> What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
> Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>
> Why do men want to marry virgins?
> They can't stand criticism.
>
> Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
> caring, and good-looking?
> Because those men already have boyfriends.
>
> What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
> After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>
> What makes men chase women they have no intention of
> marrying?
> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
> intention of driving.
>
> A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
> Who has the biggest boobs?
> The blonde, because she's 18.
>
> Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
> Because they have cotton balls.
>
> What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
> A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
>
> What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
> Are you sure it's mine?"
>
> What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
> Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
>
>
> Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
> Mace will do that to you.
>
>
> Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
> Breasts don't have eyes.
>
>
> Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
> He walks around saying "Yo."
>
> Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
> the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>
>
>
> SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
>
> What's the Cuban National Anthem?
> "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
>
> Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> A different bar.
>
> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
> A speech impediment.
>
> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
> They're hiring.
>
> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
> of the cage along with... "a recipe".
>
>
> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
>
> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
> southern fairytale?
> A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
> begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
>
>
> Why is there no Disneyland in China?
> No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
> Juan on Juan.
> What is a Yankee?
> The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
>
> What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
> The position of the dirt bag.
>
> Why is divorce so expensive?
> Because it's worth it.
>
> What's the fluid capacity of Monica Lewinsky's mouth?
> One US leader.
>
> What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
> Doughnuts.
>
> Why is air a lot like sex?
> Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
>
> Why is Chelsea Clinton so homely?
> Because Janet Reno is her real father.
>
> What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
> 100 people who don't do dick.
>
>
> SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE PART II (JUST WARMING UP!)
>
> What do you call a smart blonde?
> A golden retriever.
>
> What do attorneys use for birth control?
> Their personalities.
>
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
> 45 lbs.
>
> What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
> 45 minutes.
>
> What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
> Through his chest with a sharp knife.
>
> Why do men want to marry virgins?
> They can't stand criticism.
>
> Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive,
> caring, and good-looking?
> Because those men already have boyfriends.
>
> What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
> After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
>
> What makes men chase women they have no intention of
> marrying?
> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no
> intention of driving.
>
> A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade.
> Who has the biggest boobs?
> The blonde, because she's 18.
>
> Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
> Because they have cotton balls.
>
> What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
> A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
>
> What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
> Are you sure it's mine?"
>
> What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
> Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.
>
>
> Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
> Mace will do that to you.
>
>
> Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
> Breasts don't have eyes.
>
>
> Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
> He walks around saying "Yo."
>
> Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use
> the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>
>
>
> SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE, PART III (Just Great Stuff)
>
> What's the Cuban National Anthem?
> "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
>
> Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> A different bar.
>
> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
> A speech impediment.
>
> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
> They're hiring.
>
> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front
> of the cage along with... "a recipe".
>
>
> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
>
> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a
> southern fairytale?
> A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale
> begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."
>
>
> Why is there no Disneyland in China?
> No one's tall enough to go on the good rides
I once was driving from Moncton,New Brunswick to Stratford and came across a roadside stand with a sign that said "Lobster tails--
.50 cents.I was kind of hungry and I stopped and approached the old weathered,fisherman in the booth. I placed 2 quarters on the counter and said "one lobster tail please"The old man looked at me and out of his dry ,withered,weathered old mouth,he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."
Alan
.50 cents.I was kind of hungry and I stopped and approached the old weathered,fisherman in the booth. I placed 2 quarters on the counter and said "one lobster tail please"The old man looked at me and out of his dry ,withered,weathered old mouth,he said "Once upon a time there was a lobster..."
Alan
Sandy G
Retired Member
Paris, 1940. The Nazi supermen have come to town. This 6' 5" Ayrian demigod is strolling down the street, spies this comely French gal, pulls her into an alleyway & has his way with her. Strangely enough, she doesn't put up much of a fight. As he's putting his uniform back on, he looks down at her & sneers,"In 9 months, you vill haff a baby. You vill call him 'Adolf' !" To which she says sweetly, "In 2 weeks , you will have a rash. You can call it anything you like...." -Sandy G.
