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Joke time

opt80

opt80

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Subscriber
A RCMP officer is on patrol in the country and comes across a car in the ditch.Upon investigation he finds a blonde sitting in the car.
"What happened" he asked,the blonde replied" I don't know ,I was driving down the road and I swerved left to avoid a tree but there was another to my right.Iswerved to avoid that one and there was another to my left." " But" the cop replied there isn't a tree for miles on this road" "Wait" he says "I think I know,It was your AIR FRESHNER"
 
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a guy goes into a bar and sees a sign on the wall that says"hand jobs $10 ham sandwich $5" then he sees the waitress and ask her are you the one who gives the hand job? and she says yes and he said wash those hands and fix me a ham sandwich.
thank you im here all week.

buddha
 
What do ya call an orange thats not orange.


HAHA your not an orange. ! :lmao: :yippy: :banana: :nutz: :boink:

I'll be here all month.
 
Two muffins sitting inside an oven. The 1st looks at the second and says, "It sure is getting hot in here."

The second replies, :confused: "Wow! A talking muffin!"
 
An Aggie is walking down the side of the road with a pig under his arm. A farmer driving by in his pickup truck stops and says "Hey he's a nice one! Wherdya get him?" The pig says"I won him in a raffle."
 
Did ya hear the one about the guy who took Viagra before he died.... they couldn't close the coffin!!!!

tap... tap... tap... is this mic on? :D
 
THE FENCE


An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversay, and decided to return to the little town where they first met. They went to a cafe at the town and started to chat about days gone past.

Sitting next to them was the local police officer, smiling as the old couple remembered older days.

- "Remember the first time we made love? Was it at the field across from the highway where I put you against the fence?"- he said.

"Why don't we do it again for old time's sake?", she answered

They left the cafe and headed to the field. The police man smiled, thinking what a romantic couple - and thought it's best to check on them in case something bad happened to them.

The old man, took his nude wife and put her against the fence.

The cop, who was still spying on them, couldn't beleive his eyes, with the vitality of a 20 year old she moved violently up and down, and the old husband moved like he was wild.

They kept at it for quite a while until they both fell to the floor exhausted.

Later, the Cop encountered them:

- "It has been the most beautiful lovemaking I have ever seen in my life, you must have been a very wild couple when you were young."

- "Not really",- said the older man.

- "When we were young the fence wasn't electrified."
 
An elderly couple meet on a criuse. They dine together and then go dancing afterwards.
The gentleman says, "Would you care to come to my cabin for a tumble in the sheets?" The woman agrees.
So in the cabin they are.
He removes his shirt, she removes her blouse.
He removes his pants, she removes her skirt.
He removes his undershirt, she removes her bra. With that her boobs fall down to her knees.
She then says, "Before we start, I have to tell you, i have acute angina."
he says, "Good......'cause your tits ain't doing anything for me!"

I'm always here all week:rolleyes:

Mr. N
 
What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?

Well, 9 out of 10 times, all you get is an onion with long ears. But every once in awhile, you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.

Almond, Toasted/MSgt, USAF
 
Why did the chicken cross the road?



To get to the other side! LOL!:banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :banana: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
 
A woman phones 911,"help my House is on Fire" Dispatcher says"How do we get there"Woman says "don't you have those big red trucks anymore"

A horse walks into a bar,bartender says"Hey,Why the Long face?"

A man with leprosy picks-up a hooker,after they are done he pays her the exact amount."Is that it 'she says To which he replies"keep the tip"
 
There was this genetic scientist that successfully crossed a potato with a sponge. The resulting hybrid potato didn't taste very good but it sure could soak up a lot of gravy!
 
Did you hear about the proctoligist who sued his college,he thought they meant golf when they said he'd see 18 holes a day
 
Be wary of any sexist jokes- they led me into much trouble.

I was arrested once, accused of sexual assault.

The charges were changed to assault with a dead weapon:p:
 
opt80- I just lost a suit against my college.

Found out my degree was in PUBLIC administration.

Damn L:banana:

Just wanted to use this cool banana
 
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve food here."

Hmmm. Tough crowd.
 
A grasshopper walks into a bar,takes a seat at the bar.The bartender says "we have a drink named after you" grasshopper says"you have a drink named Harry?"
 
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