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The Joke thread

matteos

matteos

StereoType
Subscriber
So apparently "science" has declared the following joke as the funniest of all time.

"Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. "My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he's dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?""

http://news.cnet.com/8301-17852_3-5...lares-this-is-the-funniest-joke-in-the-world/



Personally my favourite is...

What's brown and sticky?





A Stick








Let's hear your jokes.:banana:
 
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That's and "ethnic" joke that's been modified.

Similar to the three "ehnics" that went deer hunting. One of them accidentally got shot, so they rushed him to the hospital.. After an hour or so, the surgeon comes out of the operating room. One of the "ethnics" asks, Did you save him?" The surgeon answered, "Yes, but it would have been easier if you hadn't skinned him first!"
 
bentpencil said:
That's and "ethnic" joke that's been modified.

Similar to the three "ehnics" that went deer hunting. One of them accidentally got shot, so they rushed him to the hospital.. After an hour or so, the surgeon comes out of the operating room. One of the "ethnics" asks, Did you save him?" The surgeon answered, "Yes, but it would have been easier if you hadn't skinned him first!"
Click to expand...


So much for "science"
 
Okay, I know this is a very old thread, but I ran across this joke.


Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community... and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden,

Okay, wait for it...











































"Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
 
Some of the artists from the 60's are re-releasing their hits with new lyrics to accommodate us old farts.


Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown, You've Got A Lovely Walker"

The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend A Broken Hip"

The Temptations - "Papa's Got A Kidney Stone"

Ringo Starr - "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

Marvin Gaye - "I Heard It Through The Grape Nuts"

Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade Of Hair"

Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

ABBA - "Denture Queen"

Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver"

Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom"

Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Bobby Darin - "Splish, Splash, I! Was Havin' A Flash
 
A man comes home after playing his 5th round of golf in a week.
He finds a note on his refrigerator.
John,
This isn't working.
I've gone to my mothers.

The man opens the refrigerator, takes out a beer. Opens it and takes a sip.
Sighs and says ," I don't know what she's talking about this is ice cold."
 
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