The World's Funniest Joke ...
- Thread starter Walt
- Start date
Thatch_Ear
Addicted Member
You wimps need to post jokes, we can put rolling smiley faces and toothless grins on ourselves. Beat up someone for a joke! Well unless they like it, then beat up someone else!
Thatch_Ear
Addicted Member
I sounded harsh but the part about beating someone up unless they liked it was meant to make it a tastless joke. But a joke none the less.
Sorry if I hurt anybody's feelings. Well not really, but how about some more jokes?
Sorry if I hurt anybody's feelings. Well not really, but how about some more jokes?
Thatch_Ear
Addicted Member
At school one day the 2nd grade teacher asked for stories that had a moral to them. Only Mary and Little Johnny raised their hands. The teacher knowing about Little Johnny's bad mouth picked Mary.
Mary told a story of shoping with her mother and they bought 3 dozen eggs. The package clerk put all the eggs in one bag and when they were leaving the bag ripped and all the eggs fell out and broke.
So the moral says Mary is to not put all your eggs in one basket. Meanwhile Little Johnny is waving his hand like crazy and none of the other children rasied their hands. So finally the teacher called on Little Johnny.
Little Johny starts out by saying the story was about his Uncle George and what happenned to him in WWII.
George was all by himself on a hill when he noticed 3 Germans down the hill from him. He couldn't run away so he sat down and went through his stuff to see what he had to defend himself with. Well he had one bullet for his rifle, a pocket knife and a bottle of whiskey.
So he sat down, drank the whiskey, shot one of the enemy soldiers and then ran down the hill and killed the other 2 with his pocket knife.
The teacher said that it was a very interesting story but couldn't think of a moral to it.
Little Johnny said "The moral to that is you don't F**K with my Uncle George when he's been drinking!"
Mary told a story of shoping with her mother and they bought 3 dozen eggs. The package clerk put all the eggs in one bag and when they were leaving the bag ripped and all the eggs fell out and broke.
So the moral says Mary is to not put all your eggs in one basket. Meanwhile Little Johnny is waving his hand like crazy and none of the other children rasied their hands. So finally the teacher called on Little Johnny.
Little Johny starts out by saying the story was about his Uncle George and what happenned to him in WWII.
George was all by himself on a hill when he noticed 3 Germans down the hill from him. He couldn't run away so he sat down and went through his stuff to see what he had to defend himself with. Well he had one bullet for his rifle, a pocket knife and a bottle of whiskey.
So he sat down, drank the whiskey, shot one of the enemy soldiers and then ran down the hill and killed the other 2 with his pocket knife.
The teacher said that it was a very interesting story but couldn't think of a moral to it.
Little Johnny said "The moral to that is you don't F**K with my Uncle George when he's been drinking!"
angela
Active Member
On another occasion Johnny and Mary were playing together in the sandbox in Mary’s backyard. They were very competitive and always trying to out do one another.
Johnny reached around and grabbed a ball that he had brought over and said to Mary “see what I have and you don’t! I have new ball!” Mary looked up and reached around and grabbed one of her own and said “Yeah? Well, I have one, too and mine has colors and stars on it”.
Johnny sighed and continued to play, trying to come up with something else and he did “Well, look at what else I have! I got a new boat! It has a propeller and is painted bright colors!”. Mary, not to be outdone, reaches around and pulls out this huge clipper ship “yeah? Well I have this huge ship and look at all the sails!”.
Johnny sat back, feeling defeated and again and continued to play. Finally, he got an excited look on his face, stood up and pulled down his pants “Well, I have one of these (pointing to himself) and you don’t!”. Mary went running into the house crying, not believing what Johnny had just done.
Johnny sat back, smiling broadly and feeling proud that he finally won.
A little while later, Mary came out of the house, sat back down and with a huge smile on her face started to play again. Johnny, perplexed, asked her why she was smiling.
“My mommy said that with one of these (pointing to herself), I can get as many of those as I want!”
Johnny reached around and grabbed a ball that he had brought over and said to Mary “see what I have and you don’t! I have new ball!” Mary looked up and reached around and grabbed one of her own and said “Yeah? Well, I have one, too and mine has colors and stars on it”.
Johnny sighed and continued to play, trying to come up with something else and he did “Well, look at what else I have! I got a new boat! It has a propeller and is painted bright colors!”. Mary, not to be outdone, reaches around and pulls out this huge clipper ship “yeah? Well I have this huge ship and look at all the sails!”.
Johnny sat back, feeling defeated and again and continued to play. Finally, he got an excited look on his face, stood up and pulled down his pants “Well, I have one of these (pointing to himself) and you don’t!”. Mary went running into the house crying, not believing what Johnny had just done.
Johnny sat back, smiling broadly and feeling proud that he finally won.
A little while later, Mary came out of the house, sat back down and with a huge smile on her face started to play again. Johnny, perplexed, asked her why she was smiling.
“My mommy said that with one of these (pointing to herself), I can get as many of those as I want!”
Thatch_Ear
Addicted Member
OK!...My Turn. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:
angela
Active Member
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "it's just ice cream."
Thatch_Ear
Addicted Member
A man driving down the road with a penguin in his car is pulled over by a policeman. You can't have a penguin in your car on the highway! You better take that penguin to the zoo!
Next week the man id driving the 2 lanes and the policeman sees him with the penguin in the car. He pulls him over and says I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!
The man replies, Oh I did! and he liked it so much today I am taking him to the beach.
Hopefully there will be no seals.
Next week the man id driving the 2 lanes and the policeman sees him with the penguin in the car. He pulls him over and says I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo!
The man replies, Oh I did! and he liked it so much today I am taking him to the beach.
Hopefully there will be no seals.
angela
Active Member
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole.
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum!
I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is...
Scroll down...
Get ready...
You may never forgive me for this one...
MOLASSES!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum!
I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is...
Scroll down...
Get ready...
You may never forgive me for this one...
MOLASSES!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
angela
Active Member
The symphony orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage, about 20 minutes, during which the bass violinists have nothing to do.
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said,
"Hey! We need to get back!"
No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch and said,
"Hey! We need to get back!"
No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."
angela
Active Member
Her Side of the Story
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet
at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the
girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a
bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about
it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could
tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go
off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately. We
went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering
him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to
wonder what was bothering him.
Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and
he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way
back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because you
know he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to
leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he
still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to
confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know
what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story
Played badly today --- shot 87 --- couldn't putt. Felt kinda tired.
Got laid though.
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet
at a cafe for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the
girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a
bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about
it. I don't remember doing anything to make him upset, but could
tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go
off to some place intimate so we could talk more privately. We
went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I
was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering
him? Was he mad at me? I tried to cheer him up, but started to
wonder what was bothering him.
Was it me or something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, and
he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way
back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because you
know he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to
leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10
minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he
still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to
confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know
what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story
Played badly today --- shot 87 --- couldn't putt. Felt kinda tired.
Got laid though.