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How do people deal with a very old parent/family member?

halkaloogie

halkaloogie

The Jerk
Just curious what people have done to help out an aging parent? My wife's father is 92, lives alone, and refuses to move into a retirement situation or in with us even though he can't afford to stay in his house much longer without help. His health is starting to go and we're contemplating letting our kid live in and maintain our house and staying with him two states over, for how ever much time he has left.

I didn't have to deal with this with my parents who were nominally healthy until they weren't and passed quickly. It's a big decision and I don't quite know what to do.

I can more or less work from wherever, even though it will be for quite a bit less then I can make where I am but we can easily manage it, and so can my wife, so that's not an issue.

I think we've made the decision to do it, so I guess my question is, what have people done with the situation of an aging parent or other family member?
 
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My father had Alzheimer’s when he passed so a retirement home was our only choice. He required constant attention and couldn’t be left alone. I’d say if he was relatively easy to handle then your son is a great idea provided he’s good at dealing with the elderly. Good luck with it, that’s never an easy decision
 
I completely understand why your father in law wants to finish his life at home. It's exactly what I want whenever the time comes after watching many family members rapidly decline and die in hospitals and homes.
It sounds like you and your wife have made up your mind to help him and I think she will be thankful for the rest of her life for respecting her father's wishes.
I hope it works out for all of you, God bless.
 
I'm the oldest here, so I guess I win! Just me to argue with, and nobody to blame but myself when it all goes horribly wrong ... ;-}

Recently disabled due to a motorcycle accident a few years ago. Part of the original settlement was ripping down my old converted cottage and replacing it with a single story accessible house - wasn't any way I was about to abandon 40 some years of DIY and landscaping eh. Came time to settle, and I passed on the house, sticking with the old place ... apparently pretty attached to that as well. I'll take my chances and make it work. After all, it's just me here, and I can only embarrass myself, right?

Anyway, short version - I could do better but. If your old timer can still handle the basics, and is still of sound mind (like me <G>), I think it's his decision to make. Still good to see what you're putting together as a backup plan, but keep him aware of how that's going. I'm thinking it would provide some peace of mind and make it easier to make the decision to accept help.
 
It all depends on finances and the ability of designated caregivers to sacrifice a portion of their lives to care for him.

We've dealt with this 3x now. 5 if you count a long distance arrangement and my father's situation. Contact the county where he lives. Have income and net worth info available. They may have resources that can come in to help clean house, meal prep, hygiene, etc. It's a big responsibility and committment for a family member and it only gets worse. Keep the house as long as you can even if he's not in it. A vehicle worth up to $10 K as well. Assisted living is $30K to $40K for a nice place. Memory care runs $40K to $50. Skilled nursing $100K and up per year. If he's got nothing, the state picks up the tab but its not a nice place. Getting rid of the money at this point is futile as there is a 3 or 5 year clawback provision.

While it's great to want to stay in one's home, it's usually not feasible without a lot of sacrifice (not his). Good luck.

Edit: As mentioned, I've dealt with this multiple times. The wish to stay in ones home is a noble one but it usually doesn't take into consideration the sacrifice of others. I'm jaded but its made me a realist. When I can't do it anymore, put me somewhere and let others live their lives. I've dealt with too much guilt and put myself and my family 2nd and that is not a good thing. You don't get that time back. He's lived his life. Time to face the inevitable.
 
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My mother-in-law is 96, and moved to our town about 20 years. She still lives by herself, but we buy her groceries, etc., and check in on her almost daily (my sister-in-law calls her on the days we don't). I deal with her appointments and review all of her paperwork. We've talked, both among ourselves and with her, about a home, but she's still able to do the basics - cleaning and keeping herself fed, etc. I don't what we'd do if she hadn't moved to town, and we worry, but preserving what autonomy she has is pretty important.

Being two states away is tough, and if you're able to move to keep him in his home for a while longer, I think that's a good and heroic thing to do. But no doubt it is a hard road. Best of luck to you and to him.
 
Orwell84 said:
I completely understand why your father in law wants to finish his life at home. It's exactly what I want whenever the time comes after watching many family members rapidly decline and die in hospitals and homes.
It sounds like you and your wife have made up your mind to help him and I think she will be thankful for the rest of her life for respecting her father's wishes.
I hope it works out for all of you, God bless.
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RichPA said:
My mother-in-law is 96, and moved to our town about 20 years. She still lives by herself, but we buy her groceries, etc., and check in on her almost daily (my sister-in-law calls her on the days we don't). I deal with her appointments and review all of her paperwork. We've talked, both among ourselves and with her, about a home, but she's still able to do the basics - cleaning and keeping herself fed, etc. I don't what we'd do if she hadn't moved to town, and we worry, but preserving what autonomy she has is pretty important.

Being two states away is tough, and if you're able to move to keep him in his home for a while longer, I think that's a good and heroic thing to do. But no doubt it is a hard road. Best of luck to you and to him.
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This is a big part of it, he's mobile and fine for the time being, but it's obvious that he doesn't have all that much time left. He keeps saying he has 5 more years in him. I don't blame him for not wanting to move, he's been in that house for over 40 years. But he had to pull a bunch of money out of the house a few years ago, and he is struggling to pay that back as well and all his bills every month. His retirement and all the other money he has coming in doesn't quite cover all his expenses. We've been sending him money every month to cover it though. My wife really wants to spend a lot of time with him before he's gone, and we are in a position that we can pick up and move there for as long as needed.

Bill S said:
It all depends on finances and the ability of designated caregivers to sacrifice a portion of their lives to care for him.

We've dealt with this 3x now. 5 if you count a long distance arrangement and my father's situation. Contact the county where he lives. Have income and net worth info available. They may have resources that can come in to help clean house, meal prep, hygiene, etc. It's a big responsibility and committment for a family member and it only gets worse. Keep the house as long as you can even if he's not in it. A vehicle worth up to $10 K as well. Assisted living is $30K to $40K for a nice place. Memory care runs $40K to $50. Skilled nursing $100K and up per year. If he's got nothing, the state picks up the tab but its not a nice place. Getting rid of the money at this point is futile as there is a 3 or 5 year clawback provision.

While it's great to want to stay in one's home, it's usually not feasible without a lot of sacrifice (not his). Good luck.

Edit: As mentioned, I've dealt with this multiple times. The wish to stay in ones home is a noble one but it usually doesn't take into consideration the sacrifice of others. I'm jaded but its made me a realist. When I can't do it anymore, put me somewhere and let others live their lives. I've dealt with too much guilt and put myself and my family 2nd and that is not a good thing. You don't get that time back. He's lived his life. Time to face the inevitable.
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Sorry that you've had a rough time with this kind of thing. My situation is not one of him asking for our help, more we feel it is something we should do. I lost both of my parents quickly and without any need for care, and her mother was the same way. So this is the only parent that we have to do this with. She has a younger brother, but he's pretty lost in the weeds. He was married at 20 and had 7 kids, and when his wife left him a few years ago, he quickly met another younger woman with three kids under 15, and they just had twins. He is in no shape to help even though he does live closer to him then we do.

Bill S said:
Is he a vet? If so, check the the VA as well. Good luck!
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He is a vet, and gets a fair bit of help from the VA, but there is only so much they do.
 
sKiZo said:
Anyway, short version - I could do better but. If your old timer can still handle the basics, and is still of sound mind (like me <G>), I think it's his decision to make. Still good to see what you're putting together as a backup plan, but keep him aware of how that's going. I'm thinking it would provide some peace of mind and make it easier to make the decision to accept help.
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We wouldn't do it without his blessing, he's a bullheaded old coot, but he is keen to the idea of having us around. He is lonely, and knows he can't keep the house up anymore. Every time I go visit, he gives he a laundry list of things to fix around the house for him. Last time I was there, I sanded and stained the back porch, rebuilt the floor on a shed, put a better railing on the front stairs, and a bunch of other things. I was there for 2 weeks and worked every day to fix things for him. He tries to do it by himself, but it's just too much for him alone living in a 4 bedroom house on 4 acres all by himself.
 
Being at home brings a certain amount of piece and joy vs. being sent to a senior facility which is new, unsettling and slightly offensive to many.

We kept my father in his home. My sister and her husband bought the place, did a small remodel job to assist Dad with mobility and became his care givers in part. He stayed at home until it became time to put him in hospice care. At that point Alzheimer's was taking him away from us and he barely noticed the change in venue.

So do what you can to keep things familiar, peaceful and comfortable for your father-in-law until his care needs exceed your abilities.

It's never easy and I don't envy you one bit. Been there and done that. All I can do for you is wish you and your wife the Best of Luck!
 
It's very kind of you to be willing to go help him out and you'll never regret it. I know when I pass on to the other side I'd like to be in my house when it happens and I think my kids will help out if necessary so that it can happen.

When my dad got in bad shape my brother and sister were mainly the ones that helped out because my mom was still in fairly good health. When my mom got in bad shape a couple years later we all took turns staying with her at her house because she wasn't in any shape to be alone. I come from a big family and none of us were over about 50 miles away so the shared duties weren't too bad for any of us. It was hard holding down a full time job and helping out but I don't regret it one bit. I wish they were still here so I could do it again.
 
These situations are hard on everyone involved. My father was living alone up north and made us kids promise we'd never put him in a home. He had the beginings of Alzheimers but we let him live alone for as long as possible. I had taken him in to have cataracts removed and was paying a local gal to drop in to give him his daily eye drops. She called one day to report him missing so we contacted the authorities who found him on the other side of the state out of gas. He took a wrong turn and got lost.

My brothers and I had to come up with a plan as to what to do. We got dad home and my oldest brother took a week vacation to stay with him while we thought about things. On the way home my wife decided the only thing we could do was to move him in with us. She worked with Alzheimers patients and knew what had to be done. We got home, called my brother to tell him that we were going to build an addition to our home where dad could have a nice room with his own bathroom. We had to place him somewhere while the addition was being built, so we found a residential care facility close to where I work. We told dad that his roof was leaking at home and he needed to stay at the facility while a new roof was put on. I stopped in daily after work to see him, and when the addition was nearly completed I finally told him the truth, that he would be living with us in a couple days. He thought about that for just a bit, then asked why he couldn't stay right where he was since they have everything he needs right there and that they were really nice to him. I could have fallen over. He made us promise years ago to never place him. Since the addition was built for him, he was moving in with us.

We had to arrange our work schedules so one of us were always with him. I worked days, she worked nights. It worked out rather well. Alzheimers eventually took him from us, but I sure am glad we took him in.

I hope you're able to find a solution. When my mother in law was getting dementia the family hired a couple care givers to be with her from 8 to 4 and then 4 to midnight. The family split the 12 to 8 shift amongst themselves. Being a large close family still near home it seemed family was with her during the day most days anyways. The care givers were close family friends, too. Wishing you the best.
 
kwayde said:
These situations are hard on everyone involved. My father was living alone up north and made us kids promise we'd never put him in a home. He had the beginings of Alzheimers but we let him live alone for as long as possible. I had taken him in to have cataracts removed and was paying a local gal to drop in to give him his daily eye drops. She called one day to report him missing so we contacted the authorities who found him on the other side of the state out of gas. He took a wrong turn and got lost.

My brothers and I had to come up with a plan as to what to do. We got dad home and my oldest brother took a week vacation to stay with him while we thought about things. On the way home my wife decided the only thing we could do was to move him in with us. She worked with Alzheimers patients and knew what had to be done. We got home, called my brother to tell him that we were going to build an addition to our home where dad could have a nice room with his own bathroom. We had to place him somewhere while the addition was being built, so we found a residential care facility close to where I work. We told dad that his roof was leaking at home and he needed to stay at the facility while a new roof was put on. I stopped in daily after work to see him, and when the addition was nearly completed I finally told him the truth, that he would be living with us in a couple days. He thought about that for just a bit, then asked why he couldn't stay right where he was since they have everything he needs right there and that they were really nice to him. I could have fallen over. He made us promise years ago to never place him. Since the addition was built for him, he was moving in with us.

We had to arrange our work schedules so one of us were always with him. I worked days, she worked nights. It worked out rather well. Alzheimers eventually took him from us, but I sure am glad we took him in.

I hope you're able to find a solution. When my mother in law was getting dementia the family hired a couple care givers to be with her from 8 to 4 and then 4 to midnight. The family split the 12 to 8 shift amongst themselves. Being a large close family still near home it seemed family was with her during the day most days anyways. The care givers were close family friends, too. Wishing you the best.
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Yeah Alzheimers is a hard one, my grandmother had it for quite a few years. She died because one day she somehow got in a neighbors car and ended up driving out into the desert and ran out of gas, and started walking. The search and rescue team found her 30 miles from the car.

Alzheimers/dementia is a really hard one to deal with. My mother had early onset too and then got cancer, she was lucid enough and she lived in a death with dignity state. The family all came by for a week and spent time with her before she took it. It was a nice way to say goodbye.
 
Whatever you do, do it with an open heart, an open mind, open eyes, and open arms. I'm preparing to have to do this with my folks, so trying to get my ducks in a row.

I think it will be important to have the broad ranging "What if..." discussions before we make any changes. You know, "What if such and such happens? How do we react?" Conversations first between my wife and me, then between us and the folks and my brothers. And then we want to line up some occasional relief coverage for those times we need to get away, or take care of other things that come up.

Figuring out who pays for things and who has certain responsibilities can be tough. I think I'm going to start writing a checkout list...

Best of luck! I admire that you will uproot yourselves to do this.
 
Spitfirejoe said:
Whatever you do, do it with an open heart, an open mind, open eyes, and open arms. I'm preparing to have to do this with my folks, so trying to get my ducks in a row.

I think it will be important to have the broad ranging "What if..." discussions before we make any changes. You know, "What if such and such happens? How do we react?" Conversations first between my wife and me, then between us and the folks and my brothers. And then we want to line up some occasional relief coverage for those times we need to get away, or take care of other things that come up.

Figuring out who pays for things and who has certain responsibilities can be tough. I think I'm going to start writing a checkout list...

Best of luck! I admire that you will uproot yourselves to do this.
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It's all a lot, and nothing that we ever contemplated before now. It's kind of up to us, because my wife's brother is kind of a F-up, and is too self involved in to do much of anything for his father. We are in a position to help, and it's something my wife really wants to do. I'm more than willing to do it, but it's really overwhelming.
 
I'm dealing with this at this time. My parents- dad (81 heart issues, barely able to walk), mom (78 bad heart). They have decided to sell their home "after much persuasion" and move back to Utah. My mother isn't able to physically/mentally care for my father anymore. My home has a nice two bedroom apartment downstairs. Unfortunately its occupied at the moment.
We also have a spare bedroom downstairs that isn't part of the apt space. Me and my brother just got back from Idaho with my father and his possessions in tow. My parents unfortunately are not getting along. My mom is still in Idaho dealing with the sale of the home and the auction of items not deemed to fit in our apt.
When the house sells, my mother will stay in our spare bedroom until the apt is available. My dad will likely go to assisted living. My wife was laid off from her job a couple weeks ago, so my dad is able to stay with us until either my mom comes to live with us or my wife goes back to work. My dads condition requires almost constant supervision. It's a complicated situation with a lot of variables in play. I'm hoping everything plays out in a positive way for everyone.
 
gizzyman47 said:
I'm dealing with this at this time. My parents- dad (81 heart issues, barely able to walk), mom (78 bad heart). They have decided to sell their home "after much persuasion" and move back to Utah. My mother isn't able to physically/mentally care for my father anymore. My home has a nice two bedroom apartment downstairs. Unfortunately its occupied at the moment.
We also have a spare bedroom downstairs that isn't part of the apt space. Me and my brother just got back from Idaho with my father and his possessions in tow. My parents unfortunately are not getting along. My mom is still in Idaho dealing with the sale of the home and the auction of items not deemed to fit in our apt.
When the house sells, my mother will stay in our spare bedroom until the apt is available. My dad will likely go to assisted living. My wife was laid off from her job a couple weeks ago, so my dad is able to stay with us until either my mom comes to live with us or my wife goes back to work. My dads condition requires almost constant supervision. It's a complicated situation with a lot of variables in play. I'm hoping everything plays out in a positive way for everyone.
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Wow, that's a hard situation, having to deal with both patents at once. I wish you all the luck and patience with that. I have no idea the hardships we're going to deal with having an aging parent in the same house.

It's nice to hear about others doing the same thing, I know it will be hard at times, but at this point, it seems like the correct decision.
 
Tough call with lots of variables to take into consideration, like:

exact state of his "deteriorating health".
degree of his moblilty
mental ability to reason
ownership of house-his/yours?
pos flow of funds that he has
amount of time frame to deal with

There are semi-care places often available, wherein meals are given, and only micro-wave heating is a allowed.

The full-care homes are pretty pricey, depending on what is offered.

And being your wife's father can make it an "arm's length" decision for you.

Then, taking into consideration that he's two states over is another problem of logistics. So, is it possible to have him relocate to your state? There might be more care homes available.

Sounds like you have a Plan B in place, and are sounding the water to see what others have done, or will have to cope with as are you right now.


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