• The move to the new server is done. There are some software and database maintenance updates in process. This has us passing the hat around to help out. We appreciate any donations. Seriously, even a dollar helps. The payment page may be found here - https://www.audiokarma.org/support.html

How do people deal with a very old parent/family member?

HarmanKardon said:
I have been caring for my mother for many many years. She is 94 and a half years old. She has become more and more disabled physically. But her mind is still great. This makes the situation bearable.
Click to expand...

He's still mobile and even though his mental state has waned he's still pretty sharp. He has a girlfriend who he sees a few times a week, and is in relatively good shape considering. He's still driving, which is a bit worrying, I damn near had a heart-attack the last time I was in the car with him driving a few years ago. But living alone in a fairly small town, he feels he doesn't have much choice on the matter.

As I said before it's nice hearing about others who are in similar situations.
 
At 93 Dad lives in my quest house 100 feet to the rear of the main house. It's an 1100 square feet 2 bedroom job. His mobility is fair with a walker. Mental capacity is good but requires work on his part. He drives to many doctor appointments and does some limited shopping. If he wants a chauffer he calls us. Hygiene is fair. Bathroom is 8 by 10, big walk-in shower. I removed the cooking range, that caused a "really big" dust up between Dad and I. May install fire sprinklers.
What's missing is interaction with other people. He and I think he will move into the main house within the year and reassess as time passes. But I think he needs a girl friend in the quest house "right now".
His income is about $4,000 a month. We think he will be able to skip the assisted living prior to a nursing home if we can get some good in home care. He's adamant about the amount of burden he's willing to be. We won't be changing his diaper's.
Apparently this will be a play it be ear as we go situation.

I asked Dad what he would do if he lived 2 states away. He said he would reverse mortgage the house to meet revenue needs for as long as he could and wanted to stay in the house. Then sell the house and relocate to within a half hour of us. But probable not move in with us. Most likely assisted living, but not a group home. He also said there is no version where I would be uprooting my family and relocating to his house/town.
 
quiet said:
At 93 Dad lives in my quest house 100 feet to the rear of the main house. It's an 1100 square feet 2 bedroom job. His mobility is fair with a walker. Mental capacity is good but requires work on his part. He drives to many doctor appointments and does some limited shopping. If he wants a chauffer he calls us. Hygiene is fair. Bathroom is 8 by 10, big walk-in shower. I removed the cooking range, that caused a "really big" dust up between Dad and I. May install fire sprinklers.
What's missing is interaction with other people. He and I think he will move into the main house within the year and reassess as time passes. But I think he needs a girl friend in the quest house "right now".
His income is about $4,000 a month. We think he will be able to skip the assisted living prior to a nursing home if we can get some good in home care. He's adamant about the amount of burden he's willing to be. We won't be changing his diaper's.
Apparently this will be a play it be ear as we go situation.

I asked Dad what he would do if he lived 2 states away. He said he would reverse mortgage the house to meet revenue needs for as long as he could and wanted to stay in the house. Then sell the house and relocate to within a half hour of us. But probable not move in with us. Most likely assisted living, but not a group home. He also said there is no version where I would be uprooting my family and relocating to his house/town.
Click to expand...


Sounds like we're in a similar situation.

We're not totally uprooting just for him, we've been talking about moving out of this area for a while. Covid and all the craziness going on around here has changed our minds about living in a heavily populated area. We're keeping our house, and letting our kid live in it. With very little mortgage left on it, the monthly costs are much less than any rental he could get in this area, so he agreed to move in and take over the bills for a while, when we leave. No one is asking us to do this, my wife wants to spend more time with her father because he doesn't have all that much left, and we are in a position to do that. He has a large house, so there is space for everyone where we aren't in each others space all the time either. He likes the idea of us coming, so he has someone to talk to, other than his girlfriend, I don't think he has any friends left these days.

The other thing is both my wife and I have quite a bit of extended family and friends there, so it's not like we're going somewhere completely isolated, just for him.
 
One thing I've noticed is it always seems to fall to one sibling. My 2 sisters lived within 90 minutes of my mother but I was the primary visitor and handled all of her affairs, appointments and dealing with multiple hospital and nursing home admissions. I guess they had more important things to do vs me and all my idle time (not). Neither one worked but I was holding down a full time job.

My wife was the same for her mother as her brother was too busy looking for the meaning of life that's rumored to be printed on the bottom of the inside of a beer can.
 
halkaloogie said:
Just curious what people have done to help out an aging parent? My wife's father is 92, lives alone, and refuses to move into a retirement situation or in with us even though he can't afford to stay in his house much longer without help. His health is starting to go and we're contemplating letting our kid live in and maintain our house and staying with him two states over, for how ever much time he has left.

I didn't have to deal with this with my parents who were nominally healthy until they weren't and passed quickly. It's a big decision and I don't quite know what to do.

I can more or less work from wherever, even though it will be for quite a bit less then I can make where I am but we can easily manage it, and so can my wife, so that's not an issue.

I think we've made the decision to do it, so I guess my question is, what have people done with the situation of an aging parent or other family member?
Click to expand...

In September 2019 on my dad's 95th birthday I drove from Maryland to Ohio to visit him..... and found him laying on the floor in his family room 3:30 in the afternoon and he'd been there all day. Mom (94 with poor vision, hearing and the beginnings of alzheimers) was still sound asleep. Up until that moment they'd been living in their house independently. But finding dad like that signaled the end. After spending some time in the hospital and in rehab dad came back home but couldn't walk anymore. He needed help with virtually everything, including eating sometimes. His mind was there but the body had taken a huge hit.

My sister and I took turns coming to Ohio from out of state (her North Carolina, me Maryland) to care for them but the stress and amount of times away from our families quickly became problematic. My dear wife who often sees solutions more clearly than I finally announced "let's load them up and bring them here". And just before Christmas 2019 that's exactly what we did.

We took care of mom and dad until dad passed away, quietly and unceremoniously, in his recliner in our family room in Sept. 2020 at age 96 years and 13 days. Mom is still with us.
It's a bit of a strain on our family routine, but I cannot see how we'd manage this any other way.

EDIT: Worthy of mention, I've been retired for 10+ years so I don't have the worries of balancing job vs family, a huge plus considering the situation. My wife just retired at the beginning of this year so that's helped immensely also. If both of us were still working this would be so much tougher.
 
Last edited:
As the WHO said....Hope I die before I get old!
Me and the wife don't have kids so, If I croak before I'm unable to take care of myself I'll be fine with that. I don't want to be a burden to my wife.
 
My wife's father was like that. Wanted to stay in his place and wouldn't let us help him much, even after his heart surgery at age 93. He had an elderly girlfriend whose adult sons got a fortune from him. One of them got him to buy the same house for him twice (bought it for him originally as he was sick with AIDS and couldn't work. It became a major party house and about five years later the guy had mortgaged it to the hilt and wasn't paying and was facing eviction so the old man paid it off again). One of the other sons, who was a college prof, got tens of thousands of dollars to fund a divorce and then allegedly counseling for his kids. The third son got at least a great deal from him as he was a struggling artist who used him to raise the money to open up a huge nightclub in town, as well as several other businesses. This son also had several other businesses that were funded by the old man. It costs a lot to open a large nightclub and outfit it with equipment and all the licenses that it takes. Funny how a destitute artist could fund that.

Our kids called him "Angry Grandpa" as he was always mad at all of us and constantly complained about how he didn't see why he had to help us (he never did, that's the funny part and we never asked). He was a retired Marine General and his pension was huge along with 100% paid medical for life. His monthly income was really big. His wife (my wife's mom) had died long ago, right after he retired. The sons of the girlfriend only ever saw him to ask for money. We saw him regularly and did lots for him. We finally sought to have a conservatorship put in place so that these weasels wouldn't bleed him dry and he fought it like crazy. He was not competent to run his own affairs or live alone but fought and fought. We were halfway through the case when the caseworker for the state quit and the state had to restart the case from scratch so that took a long time and went nowhere other than he found a shyster lawyer who really took him for a bunch of money and had $30K as a retainer on top of his monthly billing. He used the retainer as a bankroll as he charged separately for all of his visits and consultations. He also drove the old man around and charged his hourly rate for that. The guy worked out of his home and had no other clients so not like he was worth it. One of our daughters has a law firm and looked into the guy and was horrified at the number of complaints about him. Angry Grandpa wouldn't listen to us about it. We repeatedly told him we were trying to conserve his assets so that he could stay in his house if he needed care to do so. We showed him various plans that would have let him safely stay at home as he could afford it if he quit giving away his money. The process cost us quite a bit as we are teachers and not wealthy at all. Left us broke for a while. It dragged on for over a year.

Early one evening we got a call from one of his neighbors that the paramedics were at his house so we zoomed over there. It seems he was wandering around in his house and fell (he was 96 by then) and broke his hip and lay on the floor for many hours until his friends that he would meet for lunch (he used to brag about all the young people who loved to hang out with him - they were all mid to late 80's) went to check on him. They couldn't get in or raise him on the phone so they called the cops and paramedics and he was found dead on the floor. He must have fallen at about 7 am and he kept the temp really low in his place so it was about 50 degrees in there (Winter). He died cold and alone and naked on a tile floor. While I really disliked him, I really feel bad that anyone would have to suffer and pass away in such a state. We tried everything to get him help and he refused and fought us to the end. He kept bragging about how he took care of himself. We took care of his yard and snuck food into his fridge when we knew he was out. Otherwise he would eat almost nothing. He washed his clothes by throwing them in the dryer and drying them as he couldn't figure out the washer and wouldn't let us do his laundry. Very stubborn and the surgery had complications that really affected his cognitive abilities which had already declined before.

The girlfriend passed before he did, her sons put her in Angry Grandpa's care and he starved her to death after her stroke. He was in no way able to take care of a recovering 92 year old stroke patient but they didn't want to spend any of her money on care. She had a second stroke while in AG's care. We rushed over there and she was passed out. He didn't believe in hydration (thought water was bad for you) so she got little fluid, almost no food, and he decided her pills were bad for her so he took her off them. When we got there we called 911 and then tried to call her son who lived in town. He told me he couldn't come as his nightclub was having a big charity event that night. Nice guy, especially as I looked into it and found that the event was the weekly Drag Queen contest. Not an especially special event. Quality son.

We made ourselves crazy and broke and worn out trying to help him but in the end it was to no avail. We got a moderate inheritance but it turned out the local son had gotten him to put the girlfriend in his will and a few months later convinced him to cash out her portion so she could use it then. She took about 2/3 of his money and she never actually saw it as the son had control of her finances. It was telling when we saw that his will was changed at one point and the son was the witness. Hmmm. We looked into legal remedies after AG's death but were convinced that there was nothing to be done. The son had spent all he had taken. By our estimate he took AG for at least $600,000, likely more. We inherited $20,000 which didn't even cover the expenses we had trying to help him conserve his money and stay in his home as he wished. None of the sons came to his funeral.

Wow, what a rant. Sorry. Its been about six years now but I still have a hard time with it.
 
Reading these posts makes me realize how lucky my wife and I have been - her mother remains lucid, and is only a little bit stubborn about accepting help. My own parents both died fairly young (my mom at 54 of brain cancer, and my dad at 73 of emphysema) without really becoming burdens to us. My thoughts and best wishes go out to all of you dealing with these situations.
 
Bill S said:
It all depends on finances and the ability of designated caregivers to sacrifice a portion of their lives to care for him.

We've dealt with this 3x now. 5 if you count a long distance arrangement and my father's situation. Contact the county where he lives. Have income and net worth info available. They may have resources that can come in to help clean house, meal prep, hygiene, etc. It's a big responsibility and committment for a family member and it only gets worse. Keep the house as long as you can even if he's not in it. A vehicle worth up to $10 K as well. Assisted living is $30K to $40K for a nice place. Memory care runs $40K to $50. Skilled nursing $100K and up per year. If he's got nothing, the state picks up the tab but its not a nice place. Getting rid of the money at this point is futile as there is a 3 or 5 year clawback provision.

While it's great to want to stay in one's home, it's usually not feasible without a lot of sacrifice (not his). Good luck.

Edit: As mentioned, I've dealt with this multiple times. The wish to stay in ones home is a noble one but it usually doesn't take into consideration the sacrifice of others. I'm jaded but its made me a realist. When I can't do it anymore, put me somewhere and let others live their lives. I've dealt with too much guilt and put myself and my family 2nd and that is not a good thing. You don't get that time back. He's lived his life. Time to face the inevitable.
Click to expand...
Was really surprised that my parents, both who were on medicare and tricare, couldn't afford to utilize assisted living for longer than 2 weeks. It's amazes me how people in their elder years, after supporting an economy (and country) are left to fair in the US.
 
Very poor fed SS retirement programs in this country. Planned poverty. If a persons good at working hard all their life for wages, but not good at finance, they're sol.
 
Klappco said:
My wife's father was like that. Wanted to stay in his place and wouldn't let us help him much, even after his heart surgery at age 93. He had an elderly girlfriend whose adult sons got a fortune from him. One of them got him to buy the same house for him twice (bought it for him originally as he was sick with AIDS and couldn't work. It became a major party house and about five years later the guy had mortgaged it to the hilt and wasn't paying and was facing eviction so the old man paid it off again). One of the other sons, who was a college prof, got tens of thousands of dollars to fund a divorce and then allegedly counseling for his kids. The third son got at least a great deal from him as he was a struggling artist who used him to raise the money to open up a huge nightclub in town, as well as several other businesses. This son also had several other businesses that were funded by the old man. It costs a lot to open a large nightclub and outfit it with equipment and all the licenses that it takes. Funny how a destitute artist could fund that.

Our kids called him "Angry Grandpa" as he was always mad at all of us and constantly complained about how he didn't see why he had to help us (he never did, that's the funny part and we never asked). He was a retired Marine General and his pension was huge along with 100% paid medical for life. His monthly income was really big. His wife (my wife's mom) had died long ago, right after he retired. The sons of the girlfriend only ever saw him to ask for money. We saw him regularly and did lots for him. We finally sought to have a conservatorship put in place so that these weasels wouldn't bleed him dry and he fought it like crazy. He was not competent to run his own affairs or live alone but fought and fought. We were halfway through the case when the caseworker for the state quit and the state had to restart the case from scratch so that took a long time and went nowhere other than he found a shyster lawyer who really took him for a bunch of money and had $30K as a retainer on top of his monthly billing. He used the retainer as a bankroll as he charged separately for all of his visits and consultations. He also drove the old man around and charged his hourly rate for that. The guy worked out of his home and had no other clients so not like he was worth it. One of our daughters has a law firm and looked into the guy and was horrified at the number of complaints about him. Angry Grandpa wouldn't listen to us about it. We repeatedly told him we were trying to conserve his assets so that he could stay in his house if he needed care to do so. We showed him various plans that would have let him safely stay at home as he could afford it if he quit giving away his money. The process cost us quite a bit as we are teachers and not wealthy at all. Left us broke for a while. It dragged on for over a year.

Early one evening we got a call from one of his neighbors that the paramedics were at his house so we zoomed over there. It seems he was wandering around in his house and fell (he was 96 by then) and broke his hip and lay on the floor for many hours until his friends that he would meet for lunch (he used to brag about all the young people who loved to hang out with him - they were all mid to late 80's) went to check on him. They couldn't get in or raise him on the phone so they called the cops and paramedics and he was found dead on the floor. He must have fallen at about 7 am and he kept the temp really low in his place so it was about 50 degrees in there (Winter). He died cold and alone and naked on a tile floor. While I really disliked him, I really feel bad that anyone would have to suffer and pass away in such a state. We tried everything to get him help and he refused and fought us to the end. He kept bragging about how he took care of himself. We took care of his yard and snuck food into his fridge when we knew he was out. Otherwise he would eat almost nothing. He washed his clothes by throwing them in the dryer and drying them as he couldn't figure out the washer and wouldn't let us do his laundry. Very stubborn and the surgery had complications that really affected his cognitive abilities which had already declined before.

The girlfriend passed before he did, her sons put her in Angry Grandpa's care and he starved her to death after her stroke. He was in no way able to take care of a recovering 92 year old stroke patient but they didn't want to spend any of her money on care. She had a second stroke while in AG's care. We rushed over there and she was passed out. He didn't believe in hydration (thought water was bad for you) so she got little fluid, almost no food, and he decided her pills were bad for her so he took her off them. When we got there we called 911 and then tried to call her son who lived in town. He told me he couldn't come as his nightclub was having a big charity event that night. Nice guy, especially as I looked into it and found that the event was the weekly Drag Queen contest. Not an especially special event. Quality son.

We made ourselves crazy and broke and worn out trying to help him but in the end it was to no avail. We got a moderate inheritance but it turned out the local son had gotten him to put the girlfriend in his will and a few months later convinced him to cash out her portion so she could use it then. She took about 2/3 of his money and she never actually saw it as the son had control of her finances. It was telling when we saw that his will was changed at one point and the son was the witness. Hmmm. We looked into legal remedies after AG's death but were convinced that there was nothing to be done. The son had spent all he had taken. By our estimate he took AG for at least $600,000, likely more. We inherited $20,000 which didn't even cover the expenses we had trying to help him conserve his money and stay in his home as he wished. None of the sons came to his funeral.

Wow, what a rant. Sorry. Its been about six years now but I still have a hard time with it.
Click to expand...
It gets dicey when there is a girlfriend or another spouce after one gets remarried. My friend's father left everything in a trust for his 2nd wife. He died and she sold off ALL of his personal posessions. Her kids moved in with her and when she died, they inherited everything. His 2 kids got absolutely nothing, not even personal effects. It's hard when advice is not heeded.
 
It really does make me feel better, reading all of the comments. I know my situation isn't all that taxing compared to a lot of stories. I have no idea what will happen, but we're financially fine keeping our house and moving in the the father in law, and he is a very smart guy, and set aside a decent amount for retirement. The problem was that he lives in a 50-50 divorce state, and when his wife left him about 6 years ago he had to remortgage his house for half the value to pay her off. If we move in and cover the mortgage he is financially secure enough to cover most everything that may be needed for the end of the line.

I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with this situation and be on the hook for their finances too.

My father had to do this with his wife's mother, and it prolonged his retirement almost 10 years. If he was less stable financially, it easily could have bankrupt him and his wife.
 
My Dad has his own ideas on asset distribution. Don't know exactly what they are, but eight years ago the lady living with him didn't like them and he showed her the door.
He said no company was better than bad company. I must admit, I didn't think she was very good company. But it was his company. So I kept it zipped.
 
halkaloogie said:
It really does make me feel better, reading all of the comments. I know my situation isn't all that taxing compared to a lot of stories. I have no idea what will happen, but we're financially fine keeping our house and moving in the the father in law, and he is a very smart guy, and set aside a decent amount for retirement. The problem was that he lives in a 50-50 divorce state, and when his wife left him about 6 years ago he had to remortgage his house for half the value to pay her off. If we move in and cover the mortgage he is financially secure enough to cover most everything that may be needed for the end of the line.

I feel sorry for anyone who has to deal with this situation and be on the hook for their finances too.

My father had to do this with his wife's mother, and it prolonged his retirement almost 10 years. If he was less stable financially, it easily could have bankrupt him and his wife.
Click to expand...

In some state the kids can actually be on the hook for parent support. It's complicated.
 
Bill S said:
It gets dicey when there is a girlfriend or another spouce after one gets remarried. My friend's father left everything in a trust for his 2nd wife. He died and she sold off ALL of his personal posessions. Her kids moved in with her and when she died, they inherited everything. His 2 kids got absolutely nothing, not even personal effects. It's hard when advice is not heeded.
Click to expand...
My grandmother was a second wife and her husband was very wealthy, when he got sick and died his 3 children didn't get anything. I didn't know this until much later, but it always seemed really unfair to me. She managed to spend every cent of it too, when she passed, she only had a few thousand dollars in the bank. We don't know for sure how much she got, but best guess is about 30 million in the early 80's. And she didn't give any of it to her family, I didn't know she was that wealthy until the funeral was over, and we were going through her estate.
 
quiet said:
In some state the kids can actually be on the hook for parent support. It's complicated.
Click to expand...
I have never heard of this before, I know debt can be passed on to the children, but I've never heard of mandatory parental support. I'm curious, and will have to look into that.
 
Bill S said:
It gets dicey when there is a girlfriend or another spouse after one gets remarried. My friend's father left everything in a trust for his 2nd wife. He died and she sold off ALL of his personal possessions. Her kids moved in with her and when she died, they inherited everything. His 2 kids got absolutely nothing, not even personal effects. It's hard when advice is not heeded.
Click to expand...

Seen the same happen more then once.

One was really bad. Pops wins a big medical law suit, marries GF..... new wife and her kids from another marriage to inherit a few months later.
Leaving six kids from first marriage with........yes... nothing!

To the OP, talk to him because no matter what the final decision maybe. He needs to be involved and fully able to make known wishes.
We had to finally place my Mother n Law in a long term facility. Not what she wanted at all and was a cause of some serious issues with rebellion and conflicts. Acting out and being ugly and hateful for a short time. Tried taking care of her for almost a year before this was forced upon us. Just not able to give the quality care required.
She realized it and accepted the new normal and seemed to enjoy to a degree the place.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom