How wrong am I?

[waterjetguy]

Professional Help

It might be best to discuss this with a professional rather than with a bunch of audio enthusiasts.

Sounds to me like the kid needs what every kid needs, her dad to offer her unconditional love and parameters.

I wish you and her all the best.

My wife is a therapist who helps families with this type of situation all the time.

Get help from a professional. It'll help you deal with the situation, even if your daughter won't participate. A good therapist can help. Believe it or not, worse situations can be turned around.

Best of luck.

 

[similost]

hhhmm. how to say....

In all my years of all my crap i pulled.. I went to shrink after shrink. My parents took me to the first one when I was around 8 or so...

I put myself into a mental ward when I was around 22 for a few weeks... I went to shrink after shrink for a few years after that. Trying to understand why the world didn't see it my way.. .I didn't want to conform, and the world was a mess in my eyes.. (heh.. it still is, but I don't care what it thinks of me any more)

I learned one thing.. .I think some of them were more screwed up than me... most had no nails, as in chewed to the quick. Most all wanted to give me experimental drug after experimental drug, and that seemed to screw me up even worse... and then there were the couple that I think were sex freaks, and wanted to live vacariously through their patients stories...

I gave up on them all, and started reading a lot about mental health, severe depression (which I had, diagnosed as severe manic depressive)... and I learned a lot on my own.. I actually managed to straighten myself out.. sort of.. at least now I somewhat fit into society.. I still got my quirks, but now I don't stress over the norms and morals of society like I used to...

Not saying a counselor won't help you camino, but from all of my experiences, they were just as busy trying to figure out life in general as much as their own lives, and using me as a Guinea pig.. I learned more talking to friends and finding out how they looked at life and situations than I ever did from the shrinks. A lot of my friends had been through a lot of the same things I had.. none of the shrinks had.. so I didn't see how they thought they could give me useful information about things they had never lived..

Not saying anything bad at all about your wife waterjetguy... I'm just speaking my experiences. I'm sure there's decent people in the profession, just my luck never presented me one.

 

[davidb1]

Talking about it here will make you feel better and it is cheaper than a shrink :yes:

 

[Caminokid]

You mean "her mother", don't you?

No the present old lady...the one I am with now. Her mother doesnt care. That is why when my kid was 15 she wanted her out of the house.

 

[Caminokid]

hhhmm. how to say....

In all my years of all my crap i pulled.. I went to shrink after shrink. My parents took me to the first one when I was around 8 or so...

I put myself into a mental ward when I was around 22 for a few weeks... I went to shrink after shrink for a few years after that. Trying to understand why the world didn't see it my way.. .I didn't want to conform, and the world was a mess in my eyes.. (heh.. it still is, but I don't care what it thinks of me any more)

I learned one thing.. .I think some of them were more screwed up than me... most had no nails, as in chewed to the quick. Most all wanted to give me experimental drug after experimental drug, and that seemed to screw me up even worse... and then there were the couple that I think were sex freaks, and wanted to live vacariously through their patients stories...

I gave up on them all, and started reading a lot about mental health, severe depression (which I had, diagnosed as severe manic depressive)... and I learned a lot on my own.. I actually managed to straighten myself out.. sort of.. at least now I somewhat fit into society.. I still got my quirks, but now I don't stress over the norms and morals of society like I used to...

Not saying a counselor won't help you camino, but from all of my experiences, they were just as busy trying to figure out life in general as much as their own lives, and using me as a Guinea pig.. I learned more talking to friends and finding out how they looked at life and situations than I ever did from the shrinks. A lot of my friends had been through a lot of the same things I had.. none of the shrinks had.. so I didn't see how they thought they could give me useful information about things they had never lived..

Not saying anything bad at all about your wife waterjetguy... I'm just speaking my experiences. I'm sure there's decent people in the profession, just my luck never presented me one.

I havent went this route yet. I do feel people in this society is screwed up in the heads. There is decent people out there. Alot of them are in this forum. Maybe its cause we are all older now. These kids today are screwed up cause of what? Maybe cause of the paddle being taken away? No consequences for any of their actions...nothing to be afraid of?

 

[similost]

A paddle may have gotten my attention for a short time frame, but the over all desired effect completely passed me by.... but I do agree that corporal punishment does have it's place... but that's a whole different thread.. even though I know a lot of people here lived and died by dad or mom heading for the drawer the paddle was kept in.

 

[Fisherdude]

Well, here's my free advice. Keep in mind, it's worth exactly what you're paying for it. I have two daughters, now 23 and 26, so I sorta understand what you're feeling. "Sorta" because the worst trouble I've been through with them is a hickey, loud clothes and rock music.

You need to do two things:

1. Call her up, tell her that you will always love her no matter what she does, but she's an adult now, she's on her own, and you can no longer be involved in her life. Wish her the best of luck, tell her to call anytime she wants to talk, and say goodbye.

2. Talk to a family therapist who will help you understand that this is the only possible course for you to take right now. Your health and your current relationship come first, this is too disruptive for you to deal with, and there's nothing you can do to help until your daughter decides that her current lifestyle is not going to work.

Hang in there. This is not your problem, you can't fix it, and now you need to live your own life.

 

[usedto]

No the present old lady...

Either way.

Not to sound harsh, but it's hard to command respect from someone who looks to you as a role model, when you show so little respect yourself.

She might just look at herself as someone's "old lady"-to-be.

I apologize if that sounds harsh, but if you go see a professional, that's one of the FIRST things they'll bring to your attention.

 

[michaelhigh]

If you are ready to just throw in the towel for now, there is nothing at all wrong with that. You have to consider yourself and your health first. Your daughter is being self centered, self indulged and flat out selfish. There is nothing that says you have to be a a part of that. She is an adult by law, so other than being blood, that is the only tie you have to her now.

We all want to do the right thing and stand by our family and help those who need help. But like I said, until someone honestly asks for help and is serious about doing something good with it, you are only wasting your time, money and sanity.

So what you have to do to keep your sanity and health. If you don't, when the time comes, you may not be there... If you take a step back now, then hopefully she will come around, and you will be there...

Health issues are nothing to sneeze at, even in the midst of family strife. Let the dust settle a bit; get yourself well as best you can, then you can go back at the problem with a second wind and with a bit better perspective, having put in some time and consideration for her youthful naivete'. If she doesn't kill herself or contract a life-threatening disease she'll eventually grow out of the wildness that has a grip on her now. Eventually a GED will look really pleasing, especially if she can't attract a gainful man with her lack of credibility. There is only so far a girl can go on youthful arrogance, and she'll either reach her end or become a lifer in the ragged game of street life. I hope for you that your health outlives her proclivities. You love her and care for her, she can't prioritize it now because she's fighting battles that have nothing to do with you. Give it time and be there to pick up the pieces as best you can. Good luck and God bless you and yours.

 

[mr.jones]

Sorry to hear of your troubles.....I think Fisherdude nailed it. I have a step-daughter that had a rough transition to adulthood . Of course every situation is different but I realized after a ton of grief that sometimes you can't reason with people especially when you are dealing with a drama queen.
Take care of your health because no one else will do that for you. If you have another heart attack or a stroke NO ONE is going to feel the pain but you.
Time has a way of sorting these thing out.

 

[eljr]

You need to do two things:

1. Call her up, tell her that you will always love her no matter what she does, but she's an adult now, she's on her own, and you can no longer be involved in her life. Wish her the best of luck, tell her to call anytime she wants to talk, and say goodbye.

2. Talk to a family therapist who will help you understand that this is the only possible course for you to take right now.

Exactly what I said above, "It might be best to discuss this with a professional...

Sounds to me like the kid needs what every kid needs, her dad to offer her unconditional love and parameters."

or otherwise stated, I totally agree with Fisherdude. :thmbsp:

 

[chillwolf]

Tough love. That's all I've got to say.