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How wrong am I?

Caminokid

Caminokid

Pioneer and Realistic
Ok I put this in front of you guys. My oldest daughter has been a handful. I have been having problems with her and she is now 20. Not alot I can do now. She quit school right before she was to graduate....2 months before...took off the Alabama to be with a guy she met on the net. After a year even this guys family is tired of her acting up and thinking she is better then everyone around her. She cheated on this kid. So of course they gave her the boot. So she went and shacked up with the guy she was cheating with. He got tired of her quickly...kicked her ass and threw her out. Not really sure why he kicked her ass...not that it was right...but she may have started it. She may have hit him first. So she ran back to the first guy. After about 3 weeks....they got into to fight and she told him she was pregnant. No way. I have had this happen to me more then once by ex's. First she post on facebook she is a week pregnant...3 days later...she is 6 weeks pregnant. A few days later she says the doctor said she has to stay on bed rest. Then she is up fighting some girl and all of a sudden she isnt pregnant. This is all in about 6 weeks time all this is going on. I am so mad at her at the time...cause I have a bad feeling that the boyfriend told her to hit the road again and it was a diversion to not get thrown out again. Her lying about being pregnant just to get this kid to put up with her longer is not right and I wouldnt condone it. So after I know I am settled down to talk to her and not yell at her, I call her...we fight and she hangs up on me. I didnt even start yelling at her when I was trying to explain to her why I wasnt going to call cause I was mad and upset with her. Tired of fighting with her. She even deleted me off facebook. I am to the point where I dont care anymore. The old lady says I shouldnt be that way. When she was here it was a constant fight. My old lady almost left cause of my kid. The cops brought her home when she was 16 cause she was picked up at Walgreens cause she was doing some random guy in the bathroom there. When me and the ex got divorced she raised the kids. I did my best to be around them. I guess me not being there 24 - 7 and their mom letting them do whatever they wanted just as long as they werent bothering her. I have fought with all 3 of the kids. This one is the worst. Tired of fighting. Physically I cant do it anymore. Since the heart attack...I am supposed to keep calm. Got a blocked artery. Got high blood pressure. It like the kids dont care is I was to have a stroke or drop dead.
 
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Sounds as though she's determined to walk a path that is far from what you might have envisioned for her.

It's HER path.
 
I'm sorry to hear a tale like that. You have to take care of yourself first and foremost though.
 
So sorry for your troubles - my younger sister did that to our parents ...
got pregnant in HS and married an abusive guy. We were sympathetic and all of that but eventually, its got to be tough love.
You have got to learn to distance yourself from all that hullabalou.

Its not your battle ... Its her karma, and her lesson to learn.

She made the bad bed, she has to live in it.

As much as it breaks your heart, you hurting inside won't teach her the lesson. The only way she can learn a better way is to learn it herself.

I am so sorry you have to suffer with this.

Caminokid said:
... I have fought with all 3 of the kids. This one is the worst. Tired of fighting. Physically I cant do it anymore. Since the heart attack... I am supposed to keep calm. Got a blocked artery. Got high blood pressure. It like the kids don't care if I was to have a stroke or drop dead.
Click to expand...
 
It might be best to discuss this with a professional rather than with a bunch of audio enthusiasts.

Sounds to me like the kid needs what every kid needs, her dad to offer her unconditional love and parameters.

I wish you and her all the best.
 
I never had kids myself, so don't think I'm trying to be a know-it-all. But I have several nieces & nephews, & love them all, even the bad eggs, LOL. My oldest niece went through a period of life like you describe, "promiscuous", to be nice, but she turned out fine. Some people just don't care about their "reputation", and really, that's their choice, no matter what we think. :dunno: Once I realized I loved her, as my niece, even if she was a jackass, it got easier to accept her attitude, & even laugh about it. And she eventually married a fairly wealthy guy, so it's kinda tough to say she screwed up, she's just "fiery", LOL. ;)
 
I'd second the recommendation for professional help. However, she needs to recognize the need and attend, and from the sound of it that's probably unlikely.

I think the chance to fix this passed many years ago. Sounds like she's been heading down the wrong path for many years now, a 16 year old doesn't just wake up one morning and decide to 'do' a random stranger in a Walgreen bathroom. She probably needed some tough love 5+ years ago, now that she's out of your reach she's just going to have to get to the point where she realizes that herself.

My older brother was a young rebel who left the house early because he knew better than everybody else, and didn't need anybody telling him how to live his life. One drug addict girlfriend and one kid out of wedlock later he came to his senses in his late 20's, and has been a model citizen ever since. But it took him a painful decade to get there.

Good luck,

bs
 
Get counseling

I am with Spaceman and never had kids of my own but I have a pile of nieces and nephews plus 2 step kids. Sounds like you need some professional help like counseling or a support group. I don't think this board, which is dedicated to audiophiles, which is a craziness all its own, is the proper format to discuss this. I understand you are at wits end and need someone to vent to and I wish you all the best.
 
Since I don't have any kids myself, my wife says I don't understand what it's like to be upset when you have a kid like this. My wife has a son that is pretty much the same way, and has constantly been in trouble, and lies about everything.. .

For a while we tried to help him, but he didn't want the help. It sounds like your daughter doesn't either.... I kept telling my wife we were wasting our time because all he wanted was money.. not honest to god real help.

He finally got into some pretty serious trouble, so my wife said she would pay for his lawyer, but other than that, he was on his own to change his course, and this was the last time she would help him. He either did something with the help and lawyer, or hit the road.

Right now he's doing well... We hope he continues. I wanted to do nothing this time, because it was like the 4th strike. We've dropped a lot of money on him, and this will be the end of it. He's 30 something now. TIME TO GROW UP.

SO, with the above, and you can see I've dealt with kids that are a problem, not to mention I am what's left of a beyond a problem child, I can understand somewhat... My firs wife had a hellion as a daughter. Sounds a lot like your daughter, only I think my first wife's was worse.

At this point, is sounds like she thinks she has the world by the balls, and is going to kick it's ass. Until she gets that idea out of her mind, there really isn't much you can do for her. It sounds like she isn't even asking for your help, so you really have no obligation to help her.

Until she comes to her senses and asks for help, and HONESTLY wants it, then there is nothing you can do. My parents went through it with me. I was vacated from their home, and I was on my own. I couldn't even call to say hi for a couple years. If I did, I was hung up on...

Eventually, I got a clue. I was tired of living dirt poor, constantly ****ed up on something, and in and out of trouble with the law.. thankfully it was never real serious, and I had a chance to pull myself up. Once I started to show an interest in doing the right thing, then my parents started to help me.

If I was in your shoes, I'd be pretty upset, but I'd let my daughter know that she has all the answers, so she needs realize they aren't the right ones. Hopefully she will get tired of her life being hell and come to her senses, Until that time, you can't let it effect your life or your SO's life. Once your daughter does finally show some honest attempt at trying to turn her life around, that's when you try to help. So long as she is serious.

For now, I'd just live my own life, and wait to hear from her. When you do, that's when you decide if she is just wanting to use you, or wanting you to help her... you can't help those who don't want help.
 
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For me, it's easy advice as I am a rather hands-off sort of parent since mine have become mid-teen boys. Let her find out for herself. I do not know of your pain, mine have not made those sorts of choices.... but they are her choices nonetheless. And she IS and adult.

You seem battle-weary and shellshocked and I suppose your guidance years are over so make the best of your relationship with her- everyone prior has echoed my sentiments.

Only the best for you, man.
Tyler
 
just be there for her when she comes around. I know its hard but you have done everything you can... plse seek professional help that will be good for you and for her! Maybe a pro will find a way to establish communication with her.
This being said you must take care of yourself! I am afraid that she will not be recepetive to your or anyones help now. Now you need to rest ( physically and mentally ) and be ready when she gives you a sign...
 
similost said:
Since I don't have any kids myself, my wife says I don't understand what it's like to be upset when you have a kid like this. My wife has a son that is pretty much the same way, and has constantly been in trouble, and lies about everything.. .

For a while we tried to help him, but he didn't want the help. It sounds like your daughter doesn't either.... I kept telling my wife we were wasting our time because all he wanted was money.. not honest to god real help.

He finally got into some pretty serious trouble, so my wife said she would pay for his lawyer, but other than that, he was on his own to change his course, and this was the last time she would help him. He either did something with the help and lawyer, or hit the road.

Right now he's doing well... We hope he continues. I wanted to do nothing this time, because it was like the 4th strike. We've dropped a lot of money on him, and this will be the end of it. He's 30 something now. TIME TO GROW UP.

SO, with the above, and you can see I've dealt with kids that are a problem, not to mention I am what's left of a beyond a problem child, I can understand somewhat... My firs wife had a hellion as a daughter. Sounds a lot like your daughter, only I think my first wife's was worse.

At this point, is sounds like she thinks she has the world by the balls, and is going to kick it's ass. Until she gets that idea out of her mind, there really isn't much you can do for her. It sounds like she isn't even asking for your help, so you really have no obligation to help her.

Until she comes to her senses and asks for help, and HONESTLY wants it, then there is nothing you can do. My parents went through it with me. I was vacated from their home, and I was on my own. I couldn't even call to say hi for a couple years. If I did, I was hung up on...

Eventually, I got a clue. I was tired of living dirt poor, constantly ****ed up on something, and in and out of trouble with the law.. thankfully it was never real serious, and I had a chance to pull myself up. Once I started to show an interest in doing the right thing, then my parents started to help me.

If I was in your shoes, I'd be pretty upset, but I'd let my daughter know that she has all the answers, so she needs realize they aren't the right ones. Hopefully she will get tired of her life being hell and come to her senses, Until that time, you can't let it effect your life or your SO's life. Once your daughter does finally show some honest attempt at trying to turn her life around, that's when you try to help. So long as she is serious.

For now, I'd just live my own life, and wait to hear from her. When you do, that's when you decide if she is just wanting to use you, or wanting you to help her... you can't help those who don't want help.
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Well Simi...this is the most sensible thing i have heard and was thinking in the same way. The old lady thinks I am wrong.....but wanted to see if there was anyone else in this world that would see it as I do. Thanks.
 
Ugh, so sorry to hear of your trouble. I like what Heather said. My oldest son had issues similar to your daughters, starting during high school. Finally in his mid 20's (he's 29 now) he started to straighten himself out. That was after some tough love financially. So there's hope for the future! She just has to find her rock bottom. Thanks for trusting us and God Bless, sir.
 
If you are ready to just throw in the towel for now, there is nothing at all wrong with that. You have to consider yourself and your health first. Your daughter is being self centered, self indulged and flat out selfish. There is nothing that says you have to be a a part of that. She is an adult by law, so other than being blood, that is the only tie you have to her now.

We all want to do the right thing and stand by our family and help those who need help. But like I said, until someone honestly asks for help and is serious about doing something good with it, you are only wasting your time, money and sanity.

So what you have to do to keep your sanity and health. If you don't, when the time comes, you may not be there... If you take a step back now, then hopefully she will come around, and you will be there...
 
Well, I know where you are coming from having been down a similar path with my own daughter. In the the end, I beleive what several others have already stated: Some kids have to learn it on their own, you can't tell them. Support her when when she's headed in the right direction; let her learn the hard way when she's not. Stop fighting with her - she probably just digs in harder when you do that. My daughter is 23, now and has managed to turn things around - mostly on her own. Hang in there. There's hope!
 
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